http://timothytiah.com/2016/06/25/how-being-distracted-by-my-phone-broke-my-toddlers-heart/
HOW BEING DISTRACTED BY MY PHONE BROKE MY TODDLER’S HEART
My wife has been away for a well deserved holiday in Croatia now with Xiaxue and the gang. So I’ve spent the past week with both my kids and what I thought might have been a really stressful week turned out to be a very fulfilling one.
You see when my wife is around both kids go to mommy for everything. Sometimes when I want to do something with them like put them to bed or feed them, they go “No no I want mommy”. So naturally when Shorty left she was worried that I wasn’t going to be able to cope and that I was going to be really busy with them.
She was right about the latter, but I ended coping just fine with the help of my parents and in-laws. Yes I was really busy but the one big reward is that I became the new “mommy”. Fighter and Penny came to me whenever they wanted anything and I had a glimpse of what it’s like to be their “everything”. Being their everything felt like a great power!
They say with great power comes great responsibility, and one night I took that great power for granted.
We were having dinner in Precinct 10 when Fighter asked me to take him for a walk so I obliged. We were having a great time just father and son, walking around the shops, him pointing out at everything he saw and asking me what it was.
Then I remembered something. That I had to make a call. I told Fighter that Daddy had to make a phone call and he played around by taking my phone from me and asking that he speak to that person instead of me. After fooling around for a minute I got on the phone and started talking.
In the background Fighter was walking around me, asking me things but I wasn’t present. I was focused on my phone call and totally ignoring him as he asked me everything. The phone call took no longer than 2 minutes, but 2 minutes was all it needed to break his heart.
In that 2 minutes, Fighter realized what was going on. He was being ignored. Even though I was physically there in front of him, I really wasn’t there at all. That we were sharing this great moment together and I ruined it by picking up my phone.
At first he shouted in frustration and swung his hands in the air and then finally he kneeled on to the ground with his head down.
I hung up and I asked him
“Fighter do you want to go for a walk now?”
He ignored me.
“Fighter do you want go see some things?”.
He ignored me.
I came closer to him and asked
“Fighter are you ok?”.
“Fighter are you ok?”.
At this point he said
“I want to be alone”.
“I want to be alone”.
A part of me was surprised that he now knew the concept of being alone but seeing him on the ground like this was heartbreaking. So I took a moment to take this picture to remind myself how painful it was to see him like that.
I came closer to him only to be stopped by him as he said
“DADDY GO AWAY! I DON’T WANT DADDY!”.
“DADDY GO AWAY! I DON’T WANT DADDY!”.
I said okay okay and I took a few steps back.
It wasn’t good enough.
“DADDY GO AWAY !!”.
“DADDY GO AWAY !!”.
I then reasoned with him
“Daddy can’t go any further. If I go away then someone might come and take you away from me”.
“Daddy can’t go any further. If I go away then someone might come and take you away from me”.
I don’t know what triggered it but he then broke out into tears and came to hug my leg. I carried him as he let out a cry. Not the spoilt cry that he would give when he wanted something that we wouldn’t give him. This cry was the cry of heartbreak.
I knew then that I had let my phone ruin the great moment I was having with my son.
I apologized a thousand times as I hugged and kissed him. Then I took him for a walk.
We came across this empty seating area that had a big projector screen showing some tennis match. We walked up close to the screen as Fighter admired how big the people on the screen were.
Then I had an idea. Something I had done as a child.
While carrying him on my arm I raised my other hand and made a dog shaped shadow against the projector light. Cue the barking sounds.
For the first time since the crying, Fighter laughed and raised his own tiny fist to try to mimic my dog. Instead the shadow turned out to look like a tiny rock. It didn’t matter to him. To him that rock was a dog and our two rock and dog shadows were fighting on the wall with sound effects that would make Quentin Tarantino proud.
At that moment my phone vibrated from messages that I was getting. It was vibrating a lot too so it felt like I was getting a lot of messages. Maybe it was important.
I was going to reach for my phone when I stopped myself. If I picked up my phone again I would once again ruin this moment with my son. Instead I ignored it and spent 100% of my attention and focus on my son.
As I put Fighter to bed that night he was happy and smiling.
I once again apologized to him and I made a note to myself not to ever let my phone come in between my kids and I.
Already seeing us with our phones all the time has had some kind of influence on them. Fighter and Penny now both love to carry old phones around with them and pretend to talk on it like we do. Fighter too likes to bring out his tiny laptop and say “I working. Don’t disturb me. I earning money”.
I think it’s impossible to never be on our phones when they’re not around but I think it’s possible and perfectly reasonable to realize when I’m having a moment, and when to not let that moment be ruined by my phone.
The picture I took of Fighter on the floor. That is something that will now serve as a cautionary reminder for me every time I think of ruining a moment.
Ahem, hope you are still here.
JUST a 2 MINUTES phonecall can reduce that kid to such a pathetic state?
Obviously, the post drew adverse opinions.
One side is with me, feeling the over-pampered brat really need some discipline and that the dad is overly indulgent with his kid, making a mountain out of a molehill. Personally I feel as a child, you should respect that your parents, a.k.a the adults have important matters to attend to from time to time. Especially urgent work matters. It's only few minutes, not few hours.
On the other hand, there are some mummies friends who LIKE/SHARE the article with positive comments, agreeing that nothing should ever interrupt the bonding session, not even a 2 minutes phone call. The love they have for their child/children are self-evident, and their amazing loving bond is something which I envy very much.
It's not that I don't agree with loving your kids that much and trying to give them the best you can, all the time. But over pampering your kid is indirectly molding your child to be an ass overtime.
I once watched Anita Yuen (袁咏仪) in a variety show. Anita Yuen is one of my favorite artists because she is also a very "real" and straightforward person, like me. Such people are hard to come by nowadays. So many people hide behind masks in this superficial era. We are quite the same personality, sassy/chillipadi, tom-boyish type, and not the type who will sai-nai or "teh" to guys. Just couldnt stand people who act one type infront of you and be another behind your back.
In the show, she shared in her family of 3, her hubby Chilam Cheung (张智霖) is the Mr Nice Guy (白脸) where their boy, Morton is concerned. And she plays the mean one(黑脸), in charged of discipline. Needless to say, Morton loves his daddy a whole lot more than her mummy. Once, Morton did something wrong and got punished by Anita. Morton ran to daddy and cried. Anita, despite playing the mean one, felt heartache too when she saw Morton crying so she went over to initiate a hug, only to be rejected by Morton who threw her a hateful look.
That rejection hurts SO MUCH that Anita immediately ran into her room and wept in torrents. After which she told Chilam she dont wish to play the mean guy anymore. She also want to be Miss Nice Lady(白脸). She wished to be loved by Morton as much as Morton loves Chilam. Of course Chilam was like, sure sure go ahead.
After Anita's cries subsided, she calmed down, soothed her thoughts and changed her mind. She said if BOTH parents were to continue to over pamper their son and spoil him, unarguably he will become a very egoistic, selfish and irritating man when he grows up. So she just have to play the mean guy. Especially when she feels boys need more discipline than girls because in future, he will start a family and he should learn to be responsible, to support and take care of his loved ones.
You can see here how much a mum is willing to sacrifice, how much a mum is willing to bear the hurt so that her son can become an amazing man in time to come. We do know it's not easy to lecture your kids. 所谓;打在儿身，痛在娘心。But, that is because she gets the point, the logic that 严父出孝子，慈母多败儿 Why some parents still don't get it and continue to spoil their child excessively?
As time goes by, I really feel Singapore kids nowadays are getting more and more pampered as well as sheltered. Why, I saw so many young kids being pushed around in prams with their feet almost touching the floor already. *guffaws* My own younger brother ba-long-long(do nothing) at home for like 3 years before he started finding a job. Till now(he is early 20s now), my mum still serve his meals like a king because she is his favorite(the youngest). But yet he is the least filial. Because he was so spoilt from young, he had problems making friends as well as staying long enough in a job which his ego can allow.
He had always hated me because, you may already have guessed, I couldnt stand the over-pampered brat and lectured him mercilessly. Our father had left us from young, I took over the role to help support the family and somehow, took over the role of 严父 as well since we have a classic example of 慈母多败儿 here. I guess I didnt do a good job after all, with me being the biggest reason(I suck at communication I think), and second reason being I think I started too late. Upbringing need to start from very young. Once a child is spoilt, once over 7 years old, it's very difficult to sway him back because he was used to having his ways for so many years. Of course partly is because he got a 后台 too, my mum.
Despite all these, I still care for him. He kind of suffered depression during the time when he was enlisted for NS. Being a marshmallow boy, he cant endure the hardships. My mum told me he cried every night after back home. He complained about his hand's ache and was constantly afraid of dying in the army. I took him to a specialist, got a medical report which indicated a hairline crack, and requested for a downgrade for him after speaking to his officer for a long time. I dont know whatever you guys call that, simi grade simi grade, but I know he only need to tend the store or something and was excused from training and labour. I thought that should satisfy him.
"Huhhhhhhhhhhh....still have to go ah....can appeal till TOTALLY dont need to go or not?"
"Nabeiiii you think your lao-peh is Lao Lee or Lao Goh huh??" I bellowed.
Not a word of thanks, this Si Gin Na.
The strawberry generation nowadays threw tantrums just because they dont get what they want. Some older kids of teenage years who haven even work long enough to contribute household income can speak rudely to their parents as well(for something very trival).
So how your child turn up to be like depends on your upbringing. If you only have 1 child, it's okie. Just bring him/her to mingle with other kids, like his/her cousins or your friends' kids. Then they can learn to share and be more open to people.
